Pefect Dark Stories From Hell
by sparrowfromplanetastos
Summary: Cassandra De Vries tries to seduce Jo, two simulants fight over Mr. blonde's personal porn stash, Jonathan blows up his own boss, Mr. Blonde receives a well-deserved present from Earth. This is the result of too little sleep and an overactive imagination.


This is a perfect dark story, specifically about nothing. Observe a human player playing against a team of simulants over the freaking briefcase.. what's in the briefcase? Is it money? You're wrong! Suing me over this story will get you jack squat. Perfect dark is the creation of rareware….. blah blah blah. You get the gist of it….. this is just a bunch of scenarios that wouldn't happen in the perfect dark world. If you can call it that. if you don't like funny stuff, don't read this. Hatemail will be ignored.

*spoilers*

SCENARIO ONE— freakish children

Simulant 4: do you want to get stuck together?

Simulant 5: Hell no. You've got a Maian head with a woman's body while I've got Mr. Blonde's head and a shocktrooper body. Our children would be freaks! See you even sound funny when you get hit with bullets! (fires at s4)

S4: Awjiwa! Upadaisy!! Awjiwa, awjiwa! Upadaisy…Okay that's enough! (Lethally injects simulant four with drugs.)

(S5 respawns right next to s4 who is immediately killed by s4. S5 is annoyed at s4)

S5: Why are you all the way up here, you jerk?!

S4: I don't know why….(Sedates, then injects s5 with drugs)

S5 respawns right nearby. S5 tries to disarm s4, who is then sedated. S5 is trying to get away, but is so blurred it can't see. s4 turns into a boxer and s5 is killed by

beatdown)

S5: WILL YOU STOP KILLING ME?!!!!

S4: You hurt my feelings.

S5:I'm sorry. You're just not my type. You're half alien!

S4: I'm not slutty enough, is that right?

S5: it's not that.

S4: What-the-freak ever! (injects s5 with drugs)

S5: Wait, before you kill me again, aren't we supposed to fight over the briefcase?

S4: I'm sure of two things: you're an idiot for judging me by my appearance, and you are right about fighting over the briefcase. So I think you have it!

S5: What the freak are you doing?! WHOOP! (is injected with drugs again)

S4: Oops I made a mistake!

(S5 is really pissed off now but before s5 can do anything, s5 is killed again)

S4: I wanted to be…(s4 and s5 is killed by human player)

Hp: I was just tired of all the drama.

SCENARIO TWO—One Man's Treasure

Simulant 1: You ever wonder what's inside the briefcase?

Simiulant 2: We're supposed to be fighting to keep our secrets from rival companies.

S1: That's what they want to you think.

S2: I'm not getting into that.

S1: That's what you said about your moo-cow wife!

S2: How dare you?! At least my wife has two legs unlike yours!

S1: Gimme the briefcase, jerk! (s1 grabs the briefcase from s2)

S2: no, its mine, dripwad! (s2 grabs it back from s1)

S1: MINE, MINE, MINE! (s1 grabs it back from s2)

(To make a long story short both s1 and s2 fought over the stupid briefcase until it ripped in half.)

S1: Holy crap! It's porn! (checking out the books)

S2: I think it's Mr. Blonde's personal stash. Instead of naked women it has horny Skedar

females.

S1: thinks these are hot? Disgusting! (three Skedar are doing….something that is best left unsaid.)

Mr. Blonde: I'll take those. And by the way, horny Skedar females are way hotter than your human women.

S1: Yuck!

S2: I think I could have lived a lifetime without that information, Mr. Blonde.

Mr. Blonde : For fun, I think I'll kill the both of you for making fun of Skedar sexuality.

S1: I think forgiving me is even more fun.

S2: You bastard! What about me?!

S1: What about you? Mr. Blonde, he's the one who said that Skedar look like lumpy piles of alien crap.

S2: , I'll save you the bullets.(shoots s1 dead)

S1: You bitch!

Mr. Blonde: Enough with this stupidity! (shoots s2 dead)

S2: Why me?

SCENARIO THREE- An Explosive Present

Joanna Dark: Mr. Blonde, this is a present from Earth (hands him a bomb)

Mr. Blonde: why is it ticking?

Joanna: it's a…..little bit broken. Why don't you hit it to fix it?

(Mr. Blonde keeps on hitting it until it explodes) : oh shi-

SCENARIO FOUR- the Instigator

it's a human versus simulant team thing.

The simlants are all chasing the human player until she/he is dead. Why are they chasing her? is it because she's on the opposite team? No...

Simulant 3: Get her!

simulant 6: she's on the opposing team so let's kill her!

Simulant 7 and simulant 8 say similar things then human player turns around then flips off the simulants.

Hp: hey, idiots! Your mamas were Meatsims that had sex with horses!

SENARIO FIVE-Blue Seduction

Cassandra De Vries: Who are you and what are you doing here?

Joanna Dark: I just need your necklace.

Cass: isn't it pretty?

Jo: Hell no it's a gaudy piece of crap. Did a blind man design this piece of doo doo?

Cass: I like it when female agents talk dirty to me.

Jo: Gross! T.M.I!

Cass: I'll makes a deal with you: I won't call the guards if you have sex with me.

(Cass removes her clothes and she is wearing a blue bikini)

Jo: I would rather give birth a fully grown elephant then have sex with you!

Cass: Let's get it on…

Jo: Gross! You're the most disgusting sight I have ever seen! Plus, an old woman like you shouldn't wear a bikini. You're like a pencil! No curves!

Cass: Your boss didn't mind…

Jo: Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! (Jo screams as she wakes up from her nightmare)

Carrington: Jo, what is your problem?!

Jo: I dreamt Cassandra De Vries was hitting on me! Worst of all she was wearing a bathing suit! Gross, gross, gross. It was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen!

Jonanthan: You remembered what happened last night? I'm surprised you didn't get brain damage from all that drinking.

Jo screams then runs out of the room.

Velvet: that wasn't very nice, Jonathan.

Jonathan: I was just messing with her.

Jo walks back in then punches Jonathan in the face. His head starts rocking back and forth.

Jonathan: I won't ever try that again…

SCENARIO SIX: I'll Always Remember You…

Jo: Thanks for helping me move the crates, Jonathan.

Jonathan: I screwed up. Oh crap!

Jo: What do you mean?

Jonathan: I put explosives in one of the crates. Then it got mixed up with the others

Jo: what the hell possessed you to do that?!

Jonathan: That was for another mission.

Jo: How did an IDIOT like you graduate from the institute with an A+?! But let's hope no one finds it.

Carrington walks in all sweaty: Hey guys.

Jo: It's very good of you to get a morning walk, sir.

Carrington turns red: I was chasing the ice cream truck.

Jo: Why don't you sit down. You look really tired.

Carrington: thanks,Jo. Hey you hear something ticking? (Carrington sits on atop a crate)

Jonathan: I think he found it.

Carrington: Found what?

Jonathan: Remember you told me to put explosives in a crate? I got them mixed up and I think you're sitting on top of it.

Carington: I'll always remember you, Jonathan.

Jonathan: As what?

Carrington: As the MORON who blew up his own boss!…( huge explosion)

SCENARIO SEVEN- Over The Edge

(Joanna Dark is playing with cloaking devices and it is April Fools Day. Time for some pranks….Jo decides to start with the basics. she gets a pail of water and sets it over

Carrington's office. She waits until Carrington is ready to open his office door. She stuffs a bagel in her mouth to keep from laughing as she hears a splash)

Carrington: son of a---

(Jo moves on to jonathan's room. She sets down a realistic pile of doggie poop.)

Carrington walks in and steps on it):Son of a mother---

(Jo leaves a rabid rat for the mean guy in the hanger. She puts it in the right area so he'll find it.)

(Carrington walks in and finding the mean guy passed out cold. He turns white when he sees the rat which then bites him)

Carrington: Son of a mother flying---

(jo can't take it anymore and starts howling with laughter. From laughing so hard she goes to the bathroom on herself)

Carrington: Jo, are you behind all these pranks?

Jo: I don't know, sir. Have you ever turned down seconds before?

Carrington: Well-.

Jo: There's your answer.

Carrington: Give me a reason why I shouldn't fire you!

Jo:I'm the best agent you ever had.

Carrington: True, but Jo you splashed me with water, you made me step in dog poop, you gave me rabies, you lied to me, and you made fun of my weight!

Jo: And you're about to slip in the pee puddle.

Carrington: No I'm not, jo. I'm….(Carrington slips in the pee puddle)

Son of a mother flying piece of ANIMAL CRAP!!!!!!!

SCENARIO EIGHT- Open Season

Carrington: Since this place is going bankrupt, I've decided to leave the institute open to the public.

Jo: Does anybody but me think this a bad idea?

Velvet: What the heck happened to your money, sir?

Carrington: It's-what else- the economy that and too much takeout pizza.

(Jo sees a couple of teenagers messing around with the combat simulator)

Jo: What the freak are you guys doing?! And why does it smell like rotten eggs in here?

T1: We wanted too see what kind of mutant freak simulants we could make. See, we made a stimulant that passes gas to kill someone.

T2: It;s called Yourmomsim. (the teenagers laugh at jo)

Jo: I suggest you get the hell out of here before I make a simulant that EATS disrespectful teenage brats like you!

(Jo hears a scream, probably her sister's, she flips off the teenagers and runs to check out velvet)

(Her sister is wearing only a towel) Those bastards were watching me take a shower! (Jo spies a group of boys watching her from a crack in the ceiling)

Boy 1: Look, another whore to watch!

Boy2: Take it off, baby!

(Jo kicks at the crack, which gives way, and the boys fall about three floors onto the ground)

B1: (groaning in pain) little help?

Jo: I only help out lifeforms that don't peep at my sister. (jo covers the boys with a carpet)

Carrington: any troubles, ladies?

Jo: Look at this carpet. I think someone peed on it.

(Carrington walks over to inspect the carpet. The boys under the carpet scream as Carrington steps atop them)

Carrington: what was that?

Jo: its best not to ask, sir.

Carrington: I think that's a terrorist group. They must be after the institutes' technology.

Jonathan: I think we should shoot them!

Carrington: I'll leave it to you agents. I know you guys can save the institute.

(Terrorists flood into the institute.)

Terrorist 1: You listen to our demands or we shoot all of you!

Jo: And why should we give you cowards the time of day?

Velvet: Get lost before we shave you idiots bald!

Jo: Do you really think we're that helpless?

(Jo is wondering what to do about the terrorists without killing them. Then she sees the mutant simulants sneaking up behind the terrorists. )

(Jo and Velvet grab gasmasks. Fartsalotsim lets one rip. two Eatsterrroistsims chew their heads off)

Jo (cheerfully): See you guys in Hell.

Terrorist 2: You bitch!

Velvet: I think that was a productive day. Don't you think, Jo?


End file.
